I just used Shazam to discover Anonymous: Angelus Ad Virginem-Angelus Ad Virginem by Benedictines Of Mary & Queen Of Apostles.
When we were 17, he told me he had a crush on me and I blew him off. Eight years later he asked me to be his girlfriend and I finally said yes. I got to say yes again on November 24th when he asked me to marry him.
My faith is always moving and changing. And I like to think about my relationship with God this way. The way Aslan gets bigger as Lucy gets bigger. When I was young I understood God like a child, which is a beautiful way to think about the divine.
I understood that God was always with me, and He loved me, and I believed in that. I believed in that without fail and without question and I was at peace.
As I got older I asked questions. Those questions got bigger and uglier until I reached a point where I said to myself, “these questions are too big and ugly to take to God” so I stopped asking them, and I tried to answer them in my own heart, where I found no answers. I found a tremendous amount of fear and anxiety, and the only time I turned to God I would shout things like, “You promised me peace that passes all understanding!”
After chasing down every road in my own heart to find the answers to the ugly questions, I brought them to God more humbly than I have ever done anything in my life. I carried a broken pile of confidence and hope and apologized for hiding it for so long. He took them from me, and embraced me, and said that He knew I would hide them long ago and has already made peace with it.
I don’t know the answers to any of my big questions, I only know that which I believe to be true today. I try to say everyday in my prayers that I am uncertain. That I am not wise enough to say what is true and what is false, especially not in the big conversation that cause the church to shake its walls. I cannot answer questions about gay marriage, abortion, and feminism. I can only admit that these issues are above what I understand about God, and what I understand today is He already knows what we will do and say in His name and He has made peace with it.
But today, my pendulum is swinging. For the past few years I have landed in a very liberal place on many issues. But today, I am swinging. I have been swinging for days, weeks, maybe even months. But I was so sure I was in the right place that I didn’t want to admit it. But here I am swinging back to a place I have judged. Swinging in the direction of people I have spoken to before and encouraged them to open their minds to what might also be true.
Lately, I’ve seen so much internet conversation about Christian intolerance and how harmful it can be. I have cheered for this in the past. I was sure that once a heart gives up intolerance it would find itself thinking a little more like mine. But I’m swinging. I’m looking at those opinions I have thought wrong and reexamining them, and seeing so much value and challenge in their words.
Today I am thankful for reminders that we do not know nearly enough about our God to say many of the things we do in His name. So many biblical men and women before us have made this mistake. I am thankful that God grants us grace when we do this because He knows. He knew long ago that we would struggle, and He made peace with it anyway.
And you tried to change, didn’t you? Closed your mouth more. Tried to be softer, prettier, less volatile, less awake… You can’t make homes out of human beings. Someone should have already told you that. And if he wants to leave, then let him leave. You are terrifying, and strange, and beautiful. Something not everyone knows how to love.
I will fetch you betches at Kings Cross. We will walk home (ten minute walk) to deposit your shits, go to eat at this adorable tea room under a bookshop, sing along sound of music later that night.
—My Cousin on my impending visit to her (AND LONDON)